Sammy Sosa's Playhouse

The Playhose Staff

Paul Hauss - founder, senior editor


The first and only doctoral gradute of Trump University's doctoral program in Sosalogy, Paul Hauss is the lead write and senior editor of all the content at Sammy Sosa's Playhouse. His milestones include a lifetime ban from Nationals Stadium in 2006 issuing threats to national security in response to the Nationals' desicion not to sign Sammy Sosa, writing a reddit comment about Sammy Sosa's pinkish skin that got on the front page, and escaping from two separate mental hospitals.

Professor Corkscrew - SABRmetrician


Once a distinguished maths professor at the University of Chicago, Professor Corkscrew lost his job after his Out of the Park Baseball addicition started to interfere with his teachings. This seasoned sabrmetrician specializes in identifying and isolating the adanced statistics which make Sammy Sosa look the best. Who says The Playhouse is behind the times?

Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz - columnist


A retired WWF New Generation wrestler, Abe "Knuckleball" Scwartz" is convinced that Major League Baseball is scripted sports entertainment and everyone at Sammy Sosa's Playhouse thinks that is too funny to tell Abe that it isn't. We actually gave this fucking smark his own column.

Francine "The Fascionista" Fash - fashion reviewer


Don't let the armband fool you, The Fascionista doesn't want to dissolve any parliments or privatize any publicly-operated welfare programs, but se does hold aggresivley strong opinions about sports uniforms that she advocates to be enforced with brutal violence.

The Highly Heated Gamer - Video Game "Journalist"


He's gonna take you back to the past — to March 8, 2000, to be exact, because Sammy Sosa High Heat baseball is the only video game that doesn't seem to send this nerd into a rage. Despite enjoying a quality baseball video game, the Highly Heated Gamer prides himself of having never watched one second of organized sport. Once a slightly introverted young man with mild body odor, he snapped into a chronic state of rascist neurotic rage after feminists added opitional downloadeble minority characters to video games. The only way for him to cure these Highly Heated Gaming Moments is by writing a column compoaring every video game to Sammy Sosa's High Heat Baseball.

Stone Cold Steve Stone - Chicago White Sox correspondant and reporter


Sharing a broadcasting booth with Harry Caray and Hawk Harrelson in his 30-year career forced Steve Stone to responsibly maintain his sobriety and keep his partners on track. Hawk's retirement in 2018 allowed the 1980 AL Cy Young winner to let loose and enjoy more adult beverages than he was ever allowed to. Little did anyone know that when Stone drinks one too many Steveweisers, he transforms into Stone Cold Steve Stone, a loudmouth rabblerouser with a hatred for authority. We never actually sought out Stone Cold Steve Stone to write for the Playhouse, but he kept sending White Sox reports to our door with threatening demands for their publications. We decided to bring him aboard, for safety obligations. You are now obligated to give us a Hell Yeah.

Steve Goatman - Chicago Cubs correspondant and reporter


The Billy Goat Curse cast a negative stigma over the oppressed race of Goat People for decades. This was especially horrific for the 600-year-old Steve Goatman, who has been a loyal Cubs fan ever since their White Stockings days. Forced into hiding after 1945, Steve continued to observe and keep scorecards of every Cubs game, as he has since 1870. The Cubs' victory in the 2016 World Series removed the stigma against Goat People and allowed the world's devoted Cubs fan to once again walk down Addison Street without fear of being discriminated against for his species. Now the only persecution Steve has to worry about is because of his devout Satanic worship!

Albert Belle - Baltimore Orioles correspondant


Albert Belle was one of the 1990s' most consistently dominant hitters. Unfortunately, his notorious anger issues has lead tochronic trips to jail. As Belle played for two Playhouse teams in his career, we decided to help this imprisioned slugger out by letting him conduct on-field interviews for The Playhouse's Baltimore Orioles vocerage. Since we can never find enough funds to cover Albert's bail, we have him speaking to Orioles personnel over a webcast on a tablet.

Jay the Gibbon - Baltimore Orioles reporter and holder of Albert Belle's tablet


Not to be confused with Baltimore Orioles fan-favorite Jay Gibbons, Jay is an actual gibbon who carries around the tablet from which Albert Belle webcasts. With an ASL vocabulary nearing one hundred words, Jay is a very smart, very good boy who we also let write our Orioles beat reports. Jay enjoys bananas, rubber tires, and sunflowers. He lovers his best friend Albert very much.

Jorge Bush - Texas Rangers correspondant and reporter


The Playhouse fired our original Texas Rangers correspondant, former Rangers owner and 43rd United States President George W. Bush, after he jumped on the Astros bandwagon in 2017. Flooded with unqualified candiates, the replacement search grew very tiring until the eventual choice appeared at our front door. Hailing from the Mexican city of Tejas, Jorge Bush knows everything about Rangers baseball. His jet black mustache contrasts with his white head of hair stylishly, and despite emigrating from Mexico, he has no trace of a hispanic accent at all. We've never even heard him speak Spanish! Iff not for his abysmal English grammar and inability to pronounce "nuclear" you'd think he was born in Conneticut! The only problem with Jorge is all the debt he puts on our company credit card. Why does a baseball news site need so much fucking oil?

Philospher Jackson - Chicago Bulls correspondant and reporter


It was difficult as an organization of 90s Chicago sports fans to watch Phil Jackson lose his job as New York Knicks president in disgrace. Feeling it to be an injustice to divorce the 11-time champion coach from the basketball world, The Playhouse reached out to the Zen Master and asked him to cover the Chicago Bulls as our publication's correspondant. Jackson accepted after he learned we pay all our staffers in the PotCoin cryptocurrency. All seems right in the world now that we've reuinted Phil Jackson with the first organization he used to torment New Yorkers. The only problem is that he won't shut up about the Phenomology of Spirit.

 

John Danks - Meme Understander


While The Playhouse prides itself in its tubborn grip onto 90s nostalgia influencing everything from our subject matter to our web design, we reluctantly undertand the necessity of throwing some bones at the direction of today's youth. We may never understand dank memes, but that doesnt mean we can't pay someone who does! We brought in longtime White Sox pitcher John Danks to produce the dank material the kids these days crave. It's right in his name, so you know he's legit.

 

CC Sabathia - Internet Landlord


Even against the most talented athletes, Father Time remains undefeated. This is why every smart sportsman has a plan for their life after sports, and as CC Sabathia's Hall of Fame career winds down, the big lefty is eyeing to invest in the most promising up-and-coming websites. CC was so impressed by Sammy Sosa's Playhouse that he ddecided to rent us server space and the sosaplayhouse.cc domain. Sabathia is confident that The Playhouse will be the franchise player he needs for .cc to overtake .com, but not condient enough for us to not need to shill a Patreon page. Here's to the Dot-CC Bubble!