Sammy Sosa's Playhouse

Sammy Sosa Skin Watch

Sammy Sosa is white.
Whiteness level = 1.8.
He is currently in between "White, but very tan" and "Definitely White, but still identifiably ethnic." He leans towards the latter in our estimation.

At this level of whiteness, white people no longer act surprised when Sammy speaks English. However, white people will continually begin conversations with Sammy by asking him "where he is from."

About the Skin Watch Scale

When Sammy is Black

 
"Maximum Blackness"
This is as black as Sammy can possibly become. At this level of blackness, Sammy look cool in any clothing, give speeches at local Black Panther Party gatherings, and average 23.4 points in basketball. However, he must avoid police officers by a two mile radius or else he will get shot.
"Average African-American adult"
Sammy has no trace of white blood, but he prefers MLK to Malcolm X. He frequently listens to hip hop, but only music released before 1995. He can no longer shoot a sick fadeaway, but he has great basketball fundamentals. White people call him "well-spoken", but a cop will still shoot him if he drives ten miles over the speed limit.
"Black, with some white habits"
Sammy can now be the token black friend a Republican senator. He's still black through and through, but he might straighten his hair or wear green-blue contacts at this skin stage. He doesn't play basketball, but watches March Madness. He knows the rules to golf and attends rock concerts, but he doesn't have many black friends anymore. He might secretely be in the very early stages of a Creme de Sosa cycle at this point, but only if he is starting it after being fully black.
"Recovering from Creme de Sosa"
This is Sammy after he has been white, but stops using Creme de Sosa for about half a year. Some might confuse him for an Indian, but his skin is almost as dark as it was in his playing days. He's not about to flatten his hat's brim, but he has been getting back into Public Enemy recently.
"Lightskin black"
Despite neither of his parents being white, Sammy looks biracial, but still black. It is difficult to tell if he is in the early-mid stage of a Creme cycle or if he has stopped using the Creme for a couple months. Neither a white woman or a black woman can reist Sammy; he contemplates using his green contacts but decides that would be cheating. He can be openly proud of his blackness without fear of being shot by a police officer, so long as he's not within a ten feet radius.

When Sammy is White
"White, but very tan"
Sammy is unmistakably a primary white man, but he is darker than your average well-tanned white guy. He looks like he could have a black grandparent, but you might think he's overcompensating once he starts reciting hip hop trivia to you. White people get angry when he speaks Spanish, and are surprised if he speaks English. You are not surprised to you see him get laid.
"Definitely white, but still recognizably ethnic"
Sammy is tan for a white guy, but no more so than your average second-generation Mexican American. At this level of whiteness, white people no longer act surprised when Sammy speaks English. However, white people will continually begin conversations with Sammy by asking him "where he is from." He listens to some salsa, but mostly enjoys the Top 40. He still looks human. He might live in the city and is fairly likely to become an Ethnic Studies professor, but he'll move to the burbs after he settles down.
"This Nigga is White"
Sammy is officially a scrappy gym rat, a real blue-collar guy, and highly regrets not playing for the Red Sox. There is no longer any indication that Sammy was ever black or could have a degree of black ancestry. It is a surprise to learn he is even hispanic. He once got caught speeding at this stage and got off with a warning. He has never heard of Charleston Chew and can't conceive smoking menthols. He listens to Bono and enjoys him. It is difficult to imagine him getting laid on physical attractiveness alone, but you never know, he could have a nice personality or a good job. He has never lived outside a suburb. He once called the police to report a black pedestrian, who was later shot. He feels guilty, but still locks his car doors upon seeing black youth.
"An Actual Vampire"
Sammy is no longer seen him outside in the daytime. He listens only to classical music and Scandinavian symphonic metal, and he suddenly knows how to play piano. He can solve calculus in his head and is an expert in bat biology. You can't stand to look at him, yet he somehow has fucked every goth girl you've ever fancied. He lives in an Eastern European country you've never heard of until now.
"Literally Michael Jackson"
No, seriously, the hat and sunglasses are not photoshopped; that's what Sammy actually wears at this stage. He is never seen in daylight without protective clothing. He makes his own children wear masks in public, while you make your children hide in his presence. Sammy at maximum blackness was a pretty good dancer, but Sammy can somehow dance better in this stage, with even more outlandish clothing choices to boot. He barely resembles a human, yet teenage girls idolize him. He has an amusment park in his fucking backyard and owns the rights to the entire Beatles discography. Was this the goal all along?