Sammy Sosa's Playhouse

News Updates

September 11, 2019

It has been a while since our last update, and in the fashion of true-blue Cubs fandom, it's apparently been a while since we've watched baseball, as a bombshell has been brought to our attention. We have indeed done it, Reddit. Cubs utilityman Tony Kemp has changed his jersey number from Sammy's #21, to the perfectly kosher #4. Kosher for us, anyway. Sorry, Jeff Blauser, we just don't care that much about you.

What is particularly inspiring about Tony Kemp's conversion to Sosalogical orthodox is that this jersey number change has happened while the season remains in-progress, as opposed to Tyler Chatwood who rightfully surrendered Sammy's captive number during the offseason. Under MLB rules, when a player changes jersey number in the middle of a season, he must personally buy out the unsold merchandise produced with the old number, with personal funds. To be fair, there are probably not that many Tony Kemp #21 replicas floating around the marketplace, but Tony still had to make a financial sacrifice to make jersey justice happen.

Sammy Sosa's Playhouse is taking full credit for this. Of course it was Tony Kemp who made this brave decision and deserves our praise, but we find it hard to believe that he would have concluded to make this change by a random change of heart. Tony Kemp must be an avid reader of the Playhouse, and he saw our open leader, taking it to heart. Thank you, Tony. We salute you now, and will remember you as a great Cubs legend when Tom Ricketts doesn't give you a contract this offseason.


August 26, 2019

The Playhouse does not take our position as the last bastion of integrity in sports journalism lightly. We understand we cannot be silent about the issues that affect the people. This isn't Michael Jordan's Sweatshop, we take pride in our duty to be a role model for the children, and a force for political change. It is for this reason that when we saw ESPN announce the 2019 lineup of their magazine's annual Body Issue and neglected to include Sammy Sosa, we knew we had to start our next campaign. Sammy Sosa's Playhouse is proud to announce our petition to Feature Sammy Sosa in the ESPN Body Issue. This campaign will be a major focus of The Playhouse from this day on.

Sammy Sosa's Playhouse is happy to have had answers to the questions brought forth by our followers and disciples over the years. It is a deep regret of ours that we have been unable to answer the question on many of your minds, that is, whether Sammy Sosa's penis is black, or white. With the ESPN Body Issue, the people can find out what they desperately need to know. Sign the petition. Tell your friends. Share on Social Media. Share on Antisocial Media. Let's #PopTheCork on #SammysCork


Fascionista Update
August 25, 2019

Two updates in one day? Three updates in one weekend? Looks like Players' Weekend is truly Playhouse Weekend, especially for all our Fascionista fans out there. You knew this one was coming. It's Francine Fash's takedown on the Players' Weekend uniforms.

Fascionista: The Obligatory 2019 Players' Weekend Bitchfest

Baseball Observer Newsletter Update
August 25, 2019

If your eyesight is accute to actually read the backs of the MLB jerseys this weekend, then you've noticed that every player has a nickname on the back. Raise your hand if you actually knew more then five of the nicknames before this weekend. Indeed, we've fallen quite far from the days of Crime Dog and the Big Hurt, and Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz is here to tell you why that's a problem in the latest BON.

Baseball Observer Newsletter: Nicknames These Days

A Fascionably Late Fascionista Update
August 23, 2019

Major League Baseball's attempt to make non-pedophilic adults care the Little League World Serious corrupted last weekend's Cubs-Pirates series. Careful what you wish for, Rob Manfred and Theo "Jeffrey" Epstein, because the Little League Classic captured the attention of Playhouse Fascionista, Francine Fash. Uniform traditionalists might not like this one.

The Fascionista: Respect Walking Bear

A Highly Heated Update
August 19, 2019

The Cubs may not be on WGN America anymore, but ESPN has made sure that the most popular Playhouse team is seen often by a national audience. As such, the politically post-geographic North side has the frequent "honor" of getting hear Alex Rodriguez commentate over the Cubbies, as they were officially dubbed during Sunday's Game of the Week against... the Pirates? Jajaja, that probably seemed like a better matchup in April.

A-Rod sent shockwaves through the Oppressed Gamer Community when he brought up, in a conversational tangent about the health of Kids These Days, that the current generation will not outlive their parents, and video games may be of blame. The Highly Heated Gamer agrees.

Highly Heated Gaming Moment: Alex Rodriguez is right, you fucking nerds

New Baseball Observer Newsletter
August 9, 2019

The Playhouse Faithful will remember when Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz wrote that the 2019 repeat of the Home Run Race should incorporate face-of-MLB Mike Trout, and as soon as we published that column, Trout started hitting as many home runs as Yelich and Bellinger. On that note, Knuckleball has something to say about how the classic Home Run Chase should have been booked with the then-face of MLB, Ken Griffey Jr. Read all about it in our newest Baseball Observer Newsletter!

Baseball Observer Newsletter: Ken Griffey Jr. should have stayed in the '98 Home Run Race

Juicy New SASR
August 6, 2019

The nu-home run revolution has given baseball fans a seemingly weekly dosage of three-home run games. Professor Ian Corkscrew from the Society for American Sosa Research is here to remind you that this exciting and impressive feat has long been perfected by Sammy Sososa.

SASR: Sammy Sosa is the greatest 3-home run hitter

A Message for Tony Kemp
August 4, 2019

You know the drill, pearls and jams. When Tyler Chatwood changed his jersey number from 21 to 32, The Playhouse celebrated and declared the Cubs to be cured from the curse brought upon them should any player wear Sammy Sosa's iconic jersey number. Apparently Tom Ricketts could not wait one meager, full season before redistributing the number which should have been flying high over Sheffield Avenue a decade ago.

Tony Kemp, the newest member of the Chicago Cubs who was brought on because Javier Baez becoming a good shortstop and Ben Zobrist becoming an AARP benefactor could not properly satisfy Joe Maddon's disgusting fetishes for multi-positional super-utility players, has been given the #21 jersey upon his arrival to the politically post-geographic North Side.

Mr. Kemp, we urge you to follow the lead of Tyler Chatwood and change your number immediately, or you and your new team will face grave consequences. We know this is likely the doing of the Ricketts Family rather than your decision. We understand, Tony, that your incredibly short height likely prevented you from seeing over the head of whomever was sitting in front of you in attendance of Sammy Sosa ballgames, so it is forgivable you mistook Sammy's jersey as bearing some numeral other than 21. Shit happens, roughly one third of our readership still thinks Chipper and Andruw Jones are brothers, after all. It's not too late to rectify this potentially fatal mistake.

We are already seeing the dire ramifications of the newest 21 recirculation. Not only do the St. Louis Cardinals currently sit atop the NL Central leaderboard, the Cubs have the worst road record in all of Major League Baseball. Willson Contreras is on the Disabled List for approximately the seventh time this season. Kyle Hendricks exhibits signs of critical sleep-deprivation in his 3am Twitch streams of Math Blaster on SEGA Genesis. Who knows what other horrors await the Wrigleyville Community should Tony Kemp continue to besmirch Sammy Sosa's number? There is still time to turn back.

Hall of Fame
July 25, 2019

While we all remain disappointed and suicidal over yet another Hall of Fame class omitting Sammy Sosa, this year's class was one of the best years as far as Sammy Sosa's Playhouse is concerned. No matter which Playhouse team you are geographically or post-geographically inclined to cheer for, you had somebody from your favorite franchise legacy to honor in Cooperstown this past weekend. Each of our team correspondants have written tributes to the inductees pertaining to their respective organizations on their individual pages, accessible by clicking the corresponding Sammy Head on our front page toolbar. Jorge Bush and Stone Cold Steve Stone both had some words to say about Harold Baines, Jay the Gibbon had a glowing tribute for Mike Mussina, and Steve Goatman will murder you if you disagree with his Lee Smith opinions. We wanted to get this up during the festivities, but Jorge Bush was pretty depressed for some reason and we didn't feel right publishing everyone's work until he got over himself.

What Ricketts Doesn't Like (In Sammy's Wardrobe)
July 21, 2019

I may not be the Fascionista that Francine Fash is, but I've got a keen eye for whenever Sammy Sosa's wardrobe changes. It's no yellow sweater, but unless you're Tom Ricketts, you'll want to read about Sammy's New Old Look.

Sammy's New Old Look.

New Baseball Observer Newsletter
July 20, 2019

Countless Playhouse followers report to us that it was Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire's epic 1998 chase for the home run record that got them into baseball. If that applies to you, you're sure to have raised a brow or two at one of the current baseball season's "angles", as Playhouse columnist and retired professional wrestler Abe "Knuckleball" Scwartz calls them. Knuckleball just published a new Baseball Observer Newsletter about the 2019 Home Run Race.

Baseball Observer Newsletter: Christian Yelich, Cody Bellinger, and the New Home Run Race

Update on the Team News
July 18, 2019

All the team news pages have been updated; click the Sammy heads on the man page to see what the Playhouse teams are up to. In the interest of contentconsistency, The Playhouse is giving more liberty to our corresponds now that we're past the All-Star break. We found our higher standards for full articles and interviews were counterproductive to the point of covering modern teams anyway, which was for a steady stream of content. We'll leave the mandatory denstity to our columnists, who you should be hearing more from in the near future, and let the correspondants up their game when they see fit to.

When the team news updates are as simple as what we got up today, we won't be posting about it in the main News Updates; we'll save that for denser articles, when they come from our correspondants.

July 9, 2019

Two updates in a row? We can dig that. You know what the Sammy doesn't dig? Needles, hence why he founded Injex21 for needleless injections. However, Sammy's fondness for pointing might make him sympathetic to a particular genere of tattoos being pioneered by son of Shaquille O'Neal, Shareef. Tattoos of Shaq-pointing are fine in themselves, but they can point to some deeper societal issues, as I have pointed out in our latest article.

Shaquille O'Neal and Pointing Incident Scarcity.

Welcome Home
July 8, 2019

Happy All-Star Break! The Playhouse knows better than to promise any quantifiable amount of content in celebration, but we do have a great column from our resident Fascionista, Francine Fash. She — as surely all of us do — pays special attention to baseball uniforms and couldn't help but take note of a very special episode of Cubs Jersey Things from the end of June. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm setting up here.

The Fascionista: Into the Blue

June 30, 2019

On the final day of Pride Month, The Playhouse will highlight the romantic story of the greatest gay rights icons, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. Our remarks about this 90s power couple have long been inferred to be a joke, but we wish to set the record straight on behalf on the entire LGBTQIA+ community.

Sammy Sosa X Mark McGwire: A Canon Ship

Quality Interview
June 26, 2019

The Balitmore Orioles introduced their #1 overall draft pick, Adley Rutschmann from Oregon, yesterday, and The Playhouse sent Albert Belle and Jay the Gibbon to speak to the upcoming star.

Jay and Albert Talk New Friend Adley Rutschman

Stone Cold Steve Stone on James McCann
June 26, 2019

All-Star voting wraps up tomorrow, and Stone Cold Steve Stone thinks today's Battle of the Sox showed us why whit Sox catcher James McCann is All-Star worthy.

James McCann Takes No Shit

f5 Season
June 25, 2019

It has been five days since you've heard from us. This is not because nothing significant has happened relating to The Playhouse, but we have had some technical troubles at our headquarters. In spite of this adversity, we are proud to present a feature we wanted launch the site with. Go to our homepage, keep refreshing like an deprived Wojbomb addict, and you can enjoy a randomized WACKY slogan.

What Sammy Sosa Means to Professor Corkscrew
June 20, 2019

Rejection. Alienation. Obsession. Virginity. They're all apart of the daily experience for nerds everywhere. The Playhouse's resident nerd Professor Corkscrew is here to tell you how he is able to channel those negative energies into socially necessary productivity in the latest edition of What Sammy Sosa Means to Me.

What Sammy Sosa means to Professor Corkscrew

Sign the Guestbook!
June 19, 2019

Tired of online sports discussion with no sense of humor or edge? Can't keep up with a social media environment that demands the hottest of takes? Do you think upvotes and "likes" only feed the circlejerK? The Playhouse has you covered. You can join our brand new forum! At The Playhouse Forum you can discuss all your sports nostalgia and your opinions on the current sports world. You can have a sense of humor and embrace the site's insanity, or you can take things seriously. Anything goes.

Join the Forum!

What Sammy Sosa Means to Us
June 18, 2019

We posted on Day 1 that we'd be celebrating the 30th Anniversary of Sammy Sosa's MLB debut by commisioning our staff to submit reflections on what Sammy Sosa meant to them. Senior editor Paul Hauss has submitted his, as have >Abe "Knuckleball" Scwartz, Francine Fash, and The Highly Heated Gamer.

White Sox Update
June 17, 2019

Our very angry, very drunken White Sox correspondant, Stone Cold Steve Stone, has some comments about Chicago's next star Dominican slugger, Eloy Jimenez and his statistically interesting distribution of home runs.

Eloy's Home/Road Splits

Welcome to Sammy Sosa's Playhouse
June 16, 2019

Welcome to the brand new Internet home of Sammy Sosa's Playhouse! Aspiring Sosalogists have told us for years that it's too hard to follow the online presense of Sammy Sosa's Playhouse. We are well aware how much our affect the essence being of all our readers and how unfair it is to make you guys search multiple platforms to get a peak of The Playhouse. With content scattered across Facebook, LiveJournal, and Reddit, we understand the cries for a united front. The Anniversary of Sammy Sosa's MLB debut is a time of deep mediation and soul-searching for all of us, and since it is the 30th Anniversary of that momentous occasion today, we decided to observe the holiday by answering your prayers.

 Fresh out of 1998, this is, the new home of Sammy Sosa's Playhouse.

The page with all the updates isn't the front page?
What is this, Geocites?

June 16, 2019

For a site with such a highly specialized subject matter, we sure do host a wide variety of content. From written content such as our main research articles, columns, news updates for 4 different baseball teams, to themed and unthemed image galleries, it's a large glass of juice. It might even be too large for oral consumption; you might want to get it injected. That's what the News Update is for. This is the place where we post about news, updates, and updates of news.

Anytime a new piece of writing is published anywhere on the site, we'll add a blurb for it here to direct you. Anytime we add a new image gallery, or add new image galleries to an established one, it'll get posted about here. If you love all Playhouse content unconditionally or are fond of Russian Roulette, you can click the "Latest Update" button on our front page to be immediately taken to our latest update at any given time.

 In the future, the most recent updates will appear at the top, but we felt it necessary for our grand opening to welcome you to the site and explain the structure. The other oddity for this grand opening is that we are opening up with lots of content available from the start, so the updates underneath this one will be about those.

Sammy can see you, why don't you see him?
June 16, 2019

We will be adding image galleries with very specific themes, because Sammy Sosa is the gift that keeps on giving in terms of being photographed in weirdly specific ways. Might as well make our first image gallery consist of our favorite Sammy Sosa tendency, that his tendency to Point at Shit.

Sammy Sosa Pointing At Shit!

It don't matter if you're black or white,
but we are going to document the hell out of it.
June 16, 2019

The two questions most frequently reported for keeping people up at night:
1) What is the "Fun" category on the Sammy Sosa's Playhouse homepage?
2) What is the color of Sammy Sosa's Skin RIGHT NOW?

The Playhouse can answer both questions. The Fun category is for any feature that doesn't fit neatly under the category or "Articles", "Image Galleries", or "Team News". It's a wide category and you will find a wide variety of content in Fun. We have many fun things in store for you, but we are opening the site up with a project that readers have been requesting for years.

That's right, we put together a convienent page where you can track the exact color of Sammy Sosa's skin at any given time, according to his most recent public appearance/violation of his privacy. Sometimes he's black, sometimes he's white, and he's often in between. It is our job to tell you where he is on the scale.

Oh yeah, there's a scale! Go on, have fun with the Sammy Sosa Skin Watch.

Sammy Sosa Skin Watch

What Sammy Sosa Means to Me
June 16, 2019

Sammy Sosa means a lot of things to a lot of people, and the anniversary of his Major League debut is a time for us all to reflect on his life. For the 30th Anniversary of Sammy's Debut, each presently contributing member of The Playhouse will share a piece about what Sammy Sosa means to them.

If you looked around the site and our About section, you probably noticed we've brought on-board many talents longtime Playhouse readers are likely unfamiliar with. What Sammy Sosa Means to Me will be a fine way for you to become acquainted with them. In the coming days, you will hear from each columnist and team reporter about what Sammy Means to them. We will post updates here when each one is up.

We'll show you on the doll where Sammy touched us.

June 16, 2019


Sammy Sosa's Playhouse is all about archival. Just as we archive the shit out of Sammy, we're going to archive ourselves archiving the shit out of Sammy. We've published a lot in different parts of the web, and a long-term goal of ours is to host a copy of everything we've ever written on the web on That daunting task is incomplete, but we have a lot of our old content published here.

Every addition to the archive will be listed on that page in chronological order, but we'll post updates about them.

Everything we have so far is here.



It took this long to get to the first news update on News Updates?
June 16, 2019

 The Sammy Head toolbar on The Playhouse home page (Playhome Page?) will take you to the news hub for whichever team the Sammy head you clicked on was wearing a cap of. Each corrspondant has posted a welcome message on their respective pages, but we decided to launch our Day 1 content with Chicago Cubs content.

Steve Goatman decided to highlight some of the storylines from Cubs' series in Colorado this week; he also  interviewed Carlos Gonzalez.