|ANOTHER DAMNED CATCHER
August 7, 2019
Theo Epstein watches the barren wastes of Major League Baseball catchers, his mouth dry. Ever since surrendering Martin Malonado to the Houston Astros, his dungeon of backup catchers to toy with has been below his liking. As soon as Willson Contreas was sentenced to the IL, he lost what little shame for his twisted kink might have lived within his soul. He refuses to crawl before intentional enslavement. His salivation at the news of the Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim designating Jonathon Lucroy for assignment was so powerful that all of Cook County's ground felt rain in the midst of our great drought. He pillages the bodies all general managers who stand in his way; there are none foolish enough to do so, but to satisfy his bloodlust he ignores their collective offering to yield, tearing out each GM's eyes in horror as they sit pathetically on their knees. Never kneel before this crucified image.
|THE STOVE IS MELTING MY FLESH AND BONES! CARL EDWARDS JR. TRADED!
July 31, 2019
In the beauty of these flames we must reconcile witht the crude. It is with a solemn heart that we must depart with one of my favorite Chicago Cubs, Carl Edwards Jr. I am a proud devotee of any player who resembles the skeletons of my motherland. He has been banished to the San Diego Padres; my sources reveal little of Chicago's return, so we must assume it will not amount to more than cash considerations or an obscure propsect collection.
|THE STOVE BURNS FOR NICK CASTELLANOS
July 31, 2019
This constant burning is exactly why the Hot Stove season satisfies all my desires. For today, I can simulate the bliss that is Hell on Earth. The Chicago Cubs have traded for Nick Castellanos from the Detroit Tigers, in return for two mid-ranked prospects.
|CUBS LEGEND, MARTIN MALDANADO - TRADED TO HOUSTON
July 31, 2019
Martin Maldanado's reign of terror in the politically post-geographic North Side has vangquished into the cold of night. His flame was short lived at a mere 4 games played, but his memory shall be drained into all our inner beings amongst the likes of other such Chicago Cubs legends as Ray "Burger" King, Brendan Harris, and So Taguchi. Your spirit shall not be forgotten!
|LEE SMITH ENTERS THE HALL OF FAME
July 25, 2019
At last, we can rest our impatience with the surrealistic enchantment that is the struggle to induct Lee Smith into the Hall of Fame. Cretinous ignorance has kept Smith out of the sacred Halls for ages, allowing the legendary reliever's time on the regulation ballot to perish while new age closers like Mariano Rivera and Trevor Hoffman have waltzed into multidimensional praise. Take me not for a fool, Mariano Rivera is the most beautifully violent closer ever to consume the souls of the ninth inning and my race shall always revere Trevor Hoffman for his nightly summoning of Hell's Bells, but I have eternally observed Chicago Cubs baseball for over a century and cannot sit in apathy without bringing forth a reminder that Lee Smith belongs in the same realm of immortality. His induction into the Hall of Fame last weekend was as overdue as the execution of the archangel Michael.
|ADDISON RUSSEL BURNS IN KARMIC FLAMES
July 24, 2019
Satan smiles at the suffering of those who commit sacrilege against pulchritudinous femininity. To clear the earthyl space for All-Star catcher Willson Contreras, the price of finite space has been paid with the currency of Addison Russell's life as a Major League Baseball player... for now. The Christian hegemony has for years burned my sisters as heretics for committing the crime of individuality; the motives of Russell's transgressions are no different. The beautiful flesh of woman is to be enjoyed aesthetically — when it is joined by a spirit as fiery as hell, it is to be cherished obsessively. Addision Russell chose to commit violencce, and for that, he is banished to Iowa! BEGONE!
|Out of the frying pan, INTO THE STOVE!
July 17, 2019
We have finally entered my favorite time of the baseball season: hot stove season. It is the only time of the season where the flames of our reality reach a climate similar to the most beautiful setting of all, Hell. The Cubs begin the trade season by trading Mike Montgomery to Kansas City in return for Martin Maldonado, in order to satisfy Theo Epstein's uncontrollable lust for the universe's most complete collection of backup catchers who ought to be starting.
June 16, 2019
The series in Colorado showed an ugly aside of humanity. Forgiveness is useless without change. Look to Javier Baez for your model.
June 16, 2019
I was devilishly delighted to interview new Cub, Carlos Gonzalez.